Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs is an extremely helpful Christian book on marriage. It was first published in 2004, and has sold over one million copies. My wife Mary and I listened to it together and we agreed he correctly understands the emotional needs of husbands and wives.
Eggerichs makes a great contribution to understanding marriage by his insight into the importance of taking Ephesians 5:33 literally: “Let each of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” The author points out that the greatest emotional need of the wife is for love, and the greatest emotional need of the husband is respect.
He gives specific ways that men can show love to their wives, and wives show respect to their husbands, to avoid the “crazy cycle,” as he calls it, of each spouse withholding what the other needs because of not getting what they themselves need. He speaks of the “energizing cycle” when spouses meet the need of the other. He concludes by emphasizing that the motivation of a Christian to meet the need of his or her spouse should be obedience to Christ, which he calls the “reward cycle.”
Guest article, Copyright by Dawn McDowell
Here are five reasons why this activity that has been growing in popularity in recent years can give your relationship a boost.
Millions of Americans tune in to Dancing With The Stars each week to watch celebrities waltz, tango and salsa in pursuit of the mirror-ball trophy. Many of the viewers have decided to give partner dancing a whirl themselves.
If you have not rushed out to your local ballroom dance studio with the throngs of others, I challenge you to consider it. Before you discount it, consider these five benefits of learning to dance with your spouse.
- Dance is a fun activity you and your spouse can do together.
To dance is to celebrate. Consider these biblical references:
I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful. Jeremiah 31:4, NIV
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. Psalm 30:11, NLT
Be glad at such a time, and dance for joy; for your reward is great in Heaven. Luke 6:23a, Weymouth New Testament
Dancing is customary at many weddings and holiday socials — times of celebration. And it can be a source of joy and fun for your marriage.
“The enjoyable times we spend together are the lifeblood of a marriage,” writes Greg Smalley, in an online article on the Focus on the Family website. “In fact, while researching their book Fighting for Your Marriage, the authors discovered that ‘the amount of fun [couples] had together emerged as the strongest factor in producing their overall marital happiness.‘”
Engaging in fun activities together creates memories that can be enjoyed for years to come as you reflect on them.
- Learning to dance together can rekindle romance.
A study by social psychologists at the State University of New York at Stony Brook found that enjoying a new recreational activity with your spouse can rekindle the romance that brought you together in the first place.
“New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine,” writes Tara Parker-Pope in an online New York Times article reporting on the research. “These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love, a time of exhilaration and obsessive thoughts about a new partner.”
“Every marriage could use more romance,” writes Neil Clark Warren in Catching the Rhythm of Love. “It weaves you together, soul to soul.”
If you and your spouse have dance experience, choose a new style of dance and reap the romantic benefits of learning something new together.
- Dancing is great exercise. It improves your health while it improves your relationship.
The health benefits of dancing can include losing weight, reducing the effects of stress, strengthening your heart, lifting your spirits, improving your balance, and increasing your flexibility and energy level.
In a guest post on simplemarriage.net, Sean Marshall, dates and romance columnist of Family Rocketship, includes dancing on his list of physical “date night” activities. “Dancing is a fantastic way to get to know each other’s bodies and work together to create something beautiful,” he writes. “Find a dance style that you both like and go for it.
“The goal is to achieve a happy and strong marriage,” Marshall writes. “Two healthy bodies sure help you achieve that worthy goal.”
- Dancing together increases intimacy.
Intimacy is the genuine closeness that can be developed in all dimensions of a marriage. Sharing experiences, conquering challenges and generally navigating life together over time contributes to this closeness.
In a post on his Complete Life Fitness blog, dance instructor Stuart Palmer describes observations that he and his wife Tracy have made in their students:
… we continue to see that couples who dance together generally have better relationships and deeper intimacy. Not only that, but just about every couple we’ve taught proclaims that learning to dance together parallels learning to have a better relationship. And it’s true; the couples that look the best on the dance floor have learned to be better partners. They understand their individual roles and know how to enhance their partnership.
- Dancing together provides a “living picture” of scriptural marriage.
I have devoted an entire blog to exploring this “living picture,” and I invite you to visit marriagedance.org. For a sneak preview, I provide these words from author Sheila Gregoire’s blog. She describes the experience of learning to dance with her husband:
It really does change your relationship. It makes you work together. It makes you smile.
In most areas of our lives today, the sexes are interchangeable. A woman can do whatever a man can do, and vice versa. Dancing is one of the few areas of life where you have to either be a man or be a woman. You each have very defined roles, and it reminds you that you are two very different halves of one whole.
… If you’ve ever longed to hear her [your wife] say, “You decide and I’ll follow,” you’ve got to hit the dance floor.
Dancing doesn’t work if she tries to take control. You [the man] really do get to decide pretty much everything. And once she realizes that it works better that way, she can be putty in your hands. Plus, it is awfully romantic.
While you get to feel like a man, she gets to feel like a princess as you twirl her around. … It’s about treating her like she’s precious, and showing her off to the world. What woman doesn’t want to be treated like that?
Scriptural marriage affirms the equal value of men and women. It describes distinctly different and complementary roles for each of them. It is a beautiful partnership that I believe can be more completely understood by learning to dance with your spouse.
Waltz. Tango. Polka. Square Dance. There are a multitude of dance styles from which you can choose one that suits your preferences. Engage with your spouse in this fun and active pursuit, and your marriage will reap the benefits.
About the author: Dawn McDowell is a freelance writer and avid social dancer who has studied and practiced ballroom and swing dancing for more than 15 years. Desiring to see Christian marriages strengthened for the glory of God, she created a workshop that incorporates dance instruction with a scripture study on marriage. For more information, visit marriagedance.org. This article was previously published in Marriage Magazine.
Copyright by Bob Rogers
Question from April:
Can you tell me where it talks about living together before marriage? Not sex. Just living together? We are talking with my son this weekend and we can’t find it. Thank you 😉
Answer from Dr. Rogers:
I don’t believe there are many couples living together who aren’t also having sex. But the sin is the sexual immorality before marriage. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage must be respected by all, and the marriage bed kept undefiled.”
If a couple were in the same household under the supervision of parents, it might be different, although just sleeping in the same house puts them in a very tempting situation.
The other problem with living together, is that even if a couple was not sexually active, everybody would assume they were, and Ephesians 5:3 says that there should not even be a “hint” of sexually immorality among you. So it harms their Christian testimony.
In addition to the Biblical reasons, there are psychological and social reasons why cohabitation is a bad idea. Couples think they are “trying out” marriage by living together, but it is impossible to “try out” marriage, because marriage is a commitment, and there is no commitment to living together. Either party can leave at any time, so it is not really a test of marriage. And studies show that people who live together before marriage are 50% more likely to get divorced than those who do not. Why is this? Well, if they don’t respect the bonds of marriage before marriage, why should they respect the bonds of marriage after they are married?
There are other legal problems that result from living together unmarried. If your significant other is critically ill and unable to communicate, and the family needs to make medical decisions about their care, such as whether or not to remove your loved one from life support, you will have no legal rights, because you are not legal family. And if your significant other dies, you will have no inheritance rights, since you are not married. Simply put, if you make no commitment, then you have no rights!
Copyright 2014 by Bob Rogers
The fifth fruit of the Holy Spirit, listed in Galatians 5:22, is kindness. We know what kindness is, but have we stopped to think about who needs to receive our kindness? Undoubtedly, everybody needs it, but scripture names some specific groups of people in particular need of kindness:
1. My wife. Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives and don’t be bitter toward them.” Sadly, men tend to come as across harsh with their wives, often without realizing it. The stronger male physique and deeper voice of the male can be intimidating, which is why 1 Peter 3:7 commands, “Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives with an understanding of their weaker nature, yet showing them honor as co-heirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”
2. My fellow believers. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another.”
3. The poor. Proverbs 19:17 says, “Kindness to the poor is a loan to the LORD.” Jesus tells a parable of righteous sheep and unrighteous goats, and the distinguishing mark of the sheep is how they show kindness, particularly to the poor. Christ said to the sheep that they were blessed to inherit the kingdom, “For I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink… I was naked and you clothed Me…” (Matthew 25:35-36). In the same passage, Jesus adds three other people groups who need our kindness:
4. Strangers (Matthew 25:35). This is an often overlooked theme of the Old Testament Law, to always show kindness to strangers and foreigners. Deuteronomy 10:19 says, ‘You also must love the foreigner, since you were foreigners in the land of Egypt.” Many Americans who are unkind to immigrants seem to forget that most of our ancestors originally came from another continent.
5. The sick. (Matthew 25:36). The head chaplain at the hospital where I work recently said to the other chaplains, “Guys, remember when you have a bad day, that our worst day is better than the best day of most of our patients.” When people are seriously sick, their worlds are turned upside-down, and their emotions are on edge. How they need our kindness.
6. Prisoners (Matthew 25:36). Most of us find this last group the most difficult to show kindness. After all, if they’re in prison, don’t they deserve their punishment? Probably, but maybe not. However, for Jesus, the issue is not what they deserve, but what they need. All of us deserve punishment for our sin, for we have all broken God’s laws. But we need grace. Let’s show it to those in prison, as well.
Mark Twain said, “Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” The Bible teaches that it is especially the most vulnerable people in society, such as the deaf and blind, the poor, the sick, and those in prison, to whom we should show extra kindness.
So instead of asking who deserves our kindness today, let’s ask, Who needs my kindness today?
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Genesis 2:24 says, “This is why” or “This is the reason” that a man and woman get married, and if you study the first two chapters of Genesis, you will see that marriage has three purposes:
1. A REFLECTION OF GOD’S UNITY. There is a unity within the diversity of the Godhead, as He is one God, yet three persons. Genesis 1:26-27 says that the Triune God said, “Let US make mankind in OUR image… He made them male and female.” The male-female relationship of marriage reflects a unity in the midst of diversity, much as God is one, yet diverse in three persons.
2. A REALIZATION OF HUMAN UNITY. The husband-wife relationship is a joyful discovery of human fulfillment unlike any other on earth. Genesis 2:18 says that God made a “help meet for him” (KJV), or “helper suitable for him” (NIV) or “helper as his complement (HCSB). The last translation is probably the best, because the Hebrew word is a combination of two words that mean “like” and “opposite.” The wife and husband complement one another in roles in the home, and complement one another emotionally and sexually.
3. THE REPRODUCTION OF CHILDREN. While not all couples can reproduce children, God intends to grow families through married couples. Thus in Genesis 1:28, after making them male and female and in His image, God blesses the man and woman and says, “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth…”
There is something very important that we should notice here. Today’s society seeks to redefine marriage to include a same-sex union. Notice that same-sex unions fail to meet all three of these Biblical purposes of marriage. Only a heterosexual union reflects God’s unity in His diversity. Only a heterosexual union can form a relationship where two people complement one another as opposites, yet alike. And, of course, only a heterosexual union can reproduce children. That is why Genesis 2:24 says that a man leaves his parents and is united to “his wife.” This has been God’s purpose for marriage from the beginning of human history.
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In June 2013, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the Federal Defense of Marriage Act, allowing federal benefits for same-sex marriage partners in States that already have legalized same-sex marriage.
How should we respond to this? Here are a some brief thoughts of my own, and links to what other Christian bloggers are saying:
1) We must respond with Christ-like love. Ranting and raving on Facebook and Twitter and angry words to our friends and family will only confirm the unbeliever’s preconceived notion that Christians are judgmental and narrow-minded.
LifeWay researcher and Southern Baptist author Ed Stetzer calls for gracious, Christ-like responses in his blog: http://www.christianitytoday.com/edstetzer/2013/june/prop-8-doma-and-christian-response.html.
2) We must prepare to live in a non-Christian culture. Our parents lived in a generation where Judeo-Christian values were the norm. That is no longer the case. We will need to stand by Christian values that are at odds with our culture, and be prepared to graciously endure persecution, if needed, when submission to anti-Biblical standards are demanded of us. Do not conform to this world, but be transformed (Romans 12:1-2).
Sylvania, Georgia youth pastor Steve Dresen reminds us of how the early church responded in a culture that did not share our values: http://stevendresen.wordpress.com/2013/06/27/scotus-same-sex-marriage-and-the-churchs-identity
3) We must not give up. Don’t forget that the majority of States still do not allow same-sex “marriage.” In many nations around the world, such as Africa and Eastern Europe, homosexuality is still considered sinful by the overwhelming majority of people. Just as the prophets in the Old Testament boldy spoke truth to their culture, we too must proclaim the truth, rather than concede defeat. Last year I preached a sermon entitled, “What the Bible teaches about homosexuality may surprise you.” You can read it here: https://bobrogers.me/2012/07/09/what-the-bible-says-about-homosexuality-may-surprise-you/
Roman Catholic scholars make some good points about how the Supreme Court decision does not end the debate and that “gay marriage” is not inevitable. Here is the report from the Catholic News Agency: http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/gay-marriage-is-not-inevitable-analysts-say/.
4) We must remember that God is on His throne. God was still on His throne when Noah built the ark, when Moses fled from Pharaoh, when Jerusalem was destroyed by the Babylonians, and when Jesus died on the cross. The demise of God and godliness has been overstated many times before, and God always turns it around for good. Rather than despair, Christian, let us get on our needs and pray for a new movement of God that is totally dependent upon the power of God, not the power of politics.
Copyright 2012 by Bob Rogers
I received the following question by email from someone from another church who has granted permission for me to post the question and my reply:
“I have consulted my pastor and other pastors concerning our Baptist teachings about divorce and remain confused. I am divorced. I made an oath at my wedding of “til death do us part” and finished with “so help me God.” Even though adultery entered my spouse’s life, do I remain bound by my oath? Did you do a blog on this topic? Or, better yet … will you do one and let me know.”
I understand that you are already divorced, apparently because of your spouse’s adultery, and your question is, “do I remain bound by my oath?”
It appears there are two parts to your question. First, the question of whether your divorce was permissable, and second, the question of whether you are free to remarry. So let’s take the two issues separately:
1. The question of permissable divorce. According to Jesus’ statement in Matthew 5:32, adultery is a permissable reason for divorce. Thus if your spouse committed adultery, you did have biblical grounds for divorce. The other biblical ground for divorce is found in 1 Corinthians 7:15, when one spouse is an unbeliever and leaves.
(I would caution readers, however, that just because your spouse commits adultery or leaves you for a time does not mean that you should rush into a divorce. If at all possible, you should seek a counselor and seek restoration in your marriage. I have known couples who suffered adultery and other problems in their relationship who were able to experience repentance, forgiveness and restoration.
The second caution I would give to readers is that if you are suffering physical abuse or severe verbal abuse, you may need to remove yourself from your home to an undisclosed location for your own safety.)
2. The question of remarriage after divorce. You mentioned “our Baptist teachings about divorce.” While I am glad to be a Baptist, we must make certain that our teachings come from the Bible, not Baptist tradition or any other tradition that contradicts scripture.
Jesus recognized the fact that the woman at the well had five husbands, although she was cohabitating with the man she was with at the time she met Jesus, and that man was not her husband (John 4:17-18). By this statement, Jesus recognized each of these five marriages as true marriages.
A common “Baptist teaching” about Matthew 5:32 is that it bans remarriage after divorce, because it says that anyone who divorces his wife causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
However, the New Testament Greek verb used in the original text used the passive voice, which means the subject receives the action, rather than causing the action. In other words, divorce is a stigma that the husband puts on his wife by divorcing her. It is something the first husband does to the woman and the man she remarries. The stigma is being divorced and being married to a divorced person. Notice in the verse that the stigma occurs whether or not there is ever a remarriage, because it says “anyone who divorces his wife… causes her to become an adulteress.” Notice he causes the adultery before any remarriage. It could be translated, that he adulterizes her. This is referring to the stigma of divorce. It is interesting that the 2011 revision of the New International Version translates Matthew 5:32, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery…”
I recognize that this is a controversial passage, and there are differences of opinion about it, but I do not think the scripture teaches that remarriage after divorce is automatically a sin.