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10 church sayings and what they really mean

TalkingInChurch

Copyright by Bob Rogers

And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” – Matthew 27:46, ESV

 

From time to time, the Bible quotes a phrase, and then explains what it really means. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we did the same thing with what people say in church? Here are ten common sayings heard in church, and what they really mean:

 

Original language:

“We really appreciate the sound crew.”

Translation:

“The sound crew messed up again. Let’s stare at them together.”

 

Original language:

“I need to share a private prayer request.”

Translation:

“I’ve got some gossip to tell you.”

 

Original language:

“Can I get a witness?”

Translation:

“Since nobody clapped, will somebody at least say ‘Amen’?”

 

Original language:

“We are naming it and claiming it in Jesus’ name.”

Translation:

“We are using religion to try to get what we want.”

 

Original language:

“If it ain’t the King James Version, it ain’t the Bible.”

Translation:

“Don’t make me think; just tell me what to believe.”

 

Original language:

“Let me pray about that and get back with you.”

Translation:

“I don’t want to do it, but I don’t want to tell you to your face.”

 

Original language:

“When are we going to sing some hymns?”

Translation:

“The music is supposed to be about my wants and desires.”

 

Original language:

“All the preacher ever talks about is money.”

Translation:

“I don’t want the preacher to ever talk about money, because I feel guilty for being stingy.”

 

Original language:

“The Lord laid it on my heart to tell you…”

Translation:

“I want to use God to lay a guilt trip on you.”

 

Original language:

“Finally, brethren…”

Translation:

“This sermon is just getting warmed up.”

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Tweeting Alien Hymns

Copyright 2013 by Bob Rogers
AlienSinging
Twitter is becoming a hotbed of holy humor these days. One can find some crazy characters with names like “Unappreciated Pastor,” “Church Curmudgeon,” “Back Row Baptist,” “Lloyd Legalist,” and “Bad Chruch Secretary” (deliberately misspelled).
Recently, they all came out of the woodwork when one of the top trends on Twitter was #AlienHymns.
For the Twitterless and clueless, let me explain. Twitter uses hashtags with the pound symbol (#) to allow people who don’t even know each other to join in a discussion of the same topic. This is often popular at conventions and during top TV shows, as people can go to the same hashtag and discuss what is going on while it is happening. Sometimes a hashtag gets repeated so much that millions of people are using it, and it becomes a top trend. That’s what happened to #AlienHymns.
In honor of the U.S. government admitting there really is a secret zone called Area 51, “Back Row Baptist” speculated what would be the name of some hymns if they were sung by space aliens. Here were some submissions that erupted on Twitterland:
“It is Well with My Hans Solo”
“Klingon Me, When You’re Not Strong”
“Swing Low, Sweet Mothership”
“Let’s Break Warp Speed Together”
“I Beam Thee Every Hour”
“Amazing Space”
“I Come to the Garden a Clone”
“Just a Lunar Walk with Thee”
“Zoom By Ya”
Okay, enough already. You get the idea. While this sort of silliness may be entertaining for a season, the fact is that hymns and spiritual songs aren’t designed for space aliens; they’re designed for you and me. As the apostle Paul said, “Let the message about the Messiah dwell richly among you… singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, with gratitude in your hearts to God” (Colossians 3:16, HCSB).
So grab your hymnal or project your PowerPoint, and lift your voice in praise to our God. After all, He is out of this world!